Crossword No. 10790

Have I told you how much I love solving The Hindu’s crossword? Every morning. Unfailingly. Even if I miss a day’s puzzle, I faithfully pull it out the next day to solve it! The only grouse I have is its placement in the paper - generally above the obituaries section. Why would you want to begin your day by looking at obituaries?

On the 4^th of June, I opened the paper very hesitantly. I pensively turned to the crossword page. But today was not for the crossword, it was to look at an obituary – that of my maternal grandmother’s.

There she was. A much healthier picture of her smiled at me from the paper. Very unlike the scrawny frame she had been reduced to in the recent past. I had almost forgotten what she looked like in better times. Despite her age and her atrophied body, she did well to fight a form systemic scleroderma. A condition that is easy to mis-diagnose and also a condition that has no complete cure.

I would have liked to spend my last few moments with her by sitting next to her, holding her hands or just looking at her, in silence. But that was not to be. In our culture, the most precious moments of one’s life are generally dictated by people who do not matter. What an irony! It could be a wedding, a birth, a first birthday, the final rites, or even breastfeeding for heaven’s sake! A sea of people invaded the house. Along with paying their respects, also very generously dropped unnecessary advice and rendered unwanted help, over-complicating the already complex set of rituals.  Isn't it just so incongruous in the larger scheme of things?

She passed away on the same day that I heard about a tech guru’s death after a valiant fight against cancer and a frivolous suicide. I mean, how ironical can life get? There are people who will do anything to hang on to one hidden ember of life, and then there are those others… Damn! Frustrating, to say the least.

Anyway, crossword no. 10790 will remain unsolved. Forever. 

White Noise

My house looked as pretty as picture. The heady fragrance of jasmine and agarbattis lingered in the air, a grand kolam adorned the doorsteps of my house, the mango leaves thoranam hung at the entrance, the sundal was steamed and the kozhakatais were half made. All this in the run up to my favorite festival - vinayaka chaturthi.

I stepped into the house and stepped back out again. I thought to myself, "I cannot do this...". I gulped, wiped the tears off my swollen face and braced myself for what was about to hit me. With clenched teeth and tight fists, I opened the door. I could not see her, a sea of people stood around her. As I made my entry,   whispers passed around the crowd. They made way for the eldest grand-daughter. There she was, lying in a crisp white saree, feet tied and eyes half shut. As I let the scene consume me, images of my childhood swirled in my head - the stories she told me, the games we played, the food she cooked, the pranks she caught...

Thank god for the vaadhiyaar who was reciting his chants ever so loudly! It helped drown out all the conversations and crying and noise in the background. The numbness was much needed. I mindlessly performed the ceremonies till a point where I had to anoint her forehead. I stopped for a second to look at her. "Her every wrinkle has a story", I thought, again losing myself in a train of thoughts. As I touched her forehead, I did so a tad bit hard in the inane hope that she would wake up, only to instantly chide myself for my selfishness. 

As the men lifted her body off for the final rites, a strange sense of calm enveloped me. What made the whole thing so poignant was the fact that had she lived another day, she would have turned ninety. But again, what's in a number for a woman who lived this far, single-handedly raising generations ?

Ironically, I had looked up an app called White Noise that day. I was curious; the word took me back to all the digital signal processing and vector transformation classes of my engineering days.  Apparently, it is an app that has ambient sounds that help people relax or sleep better. Well, all I know is that it was time for her to sleep... Sleep well Aachi, sleep well.

Such is life...

I took longer than usual at breakfast yesterday. I have become a little serious in my battle against the bulge – I now have the K Diet for breakfast – which goes down my throat after a bit of a battle with my taste buds. I mentally made a note on how I should blog about how useless facebook is. I quickly scanned the paper. I turned to page 7. I couldn’t swallow anymore. The reaction was instinctive. My throat became dry, my eyes moist and my hands cold. I don’t know how well I can capture the avalanche of emotions – a sense of guilt, anger, sadness, fear and helplessness all together. Check this ad.

Rewind. It seems like yesterday – I was looking through a 1500 line excel sheet when I heard of my friend’s loss in the Mumbai siege. No – she wasn’t even my friend – just an acquaintance – my senior at XL. I was stumped. A barrage of calls followed. One of my best friends had just finished a consulting project with the Taj and stepped out before the pandemonium. I remember being numbed for a while. How close was that?

Somehow, such incidents become real when it impacts the near and dear. For instance the Tsunami – another buddy of mine bore broken bones while holidaying on the shores of Mahabalipuram. I am glad she survived to tell the tale.

I wanted to write about this yesterday, but I was just too disturbed to be able to think coherently.

The candles have been lit, tributes have been paid, the martyrs have been remembered with reverence, and issues have been debated - some good seems to be coming out of it. But it is difficult to deal with the bitter truth - some questions will remain unanswered, some scars may not heal and some souls can never be comforted.

And the chilling fact that made me choke over breakfast is that life just goes on despite it all. Such is life.